Parenting an anxious child with behavior issues is hard. Add to that parenting with my own anxiety and depression fucking sucks. It's Easter morning and I'm in my room, crying on my bed. We've already had 2 meltdowns and I just yelled at my kid for throwing a new toy away. Yeah, not the Easter morning I imagined, but definitely my reality.
I told my 4 year old to stay in the guest room with his daddy and baby brother as I turned on all the lights in the house so he could do his egg hunt. He came out too soon and I said "Back in the room" to which he immediately shamed himself (internally, not verbally - I've learned his emotional cues), hit himself in the head (his new thing that makes me physically sick to witness), and started screaming and breaking things. Happy Easter! Not.
I went to him and picked him up, amid his tiny rage fit, to bring him to his room. *change of scenery really helps when he's having an episode.* As he's screaming, crying, and hitting me, I'm wiping his tears and kissing him while quietly telling him "it's okay" and "Mommy's here". It's fucking hard to stay calm when you're being hit HARD, or scratched, or hair pulled, or kicked, or having your ears screamed in so loudly that your ear drums crackle and ache. Yes. It is truly fucking hard to have a child with behavioral issues. But, you know what? I bet it's even harder for a 4 year old who is feeling big emotions and doesn't know how to express them. But i digress.
So after this 1st episode that only lasts a coupleof minutes, the egg hunt commences and it's exciting and fun. The 4yo squeals with delight as he finds eggs and the 1yo beams as he reaches for the ones higher up with a boost from Daddy. Then the 4yo finds his basket! How exciting! He focuses on one toy and ignores everything else.... I instantly feel annoyed. I worked so hard to get my non-chocolate loving child items that he would be excited about and yet he's bypassing everything. It took me a second to snap out of it, unbeknownst to the 4yo thankfully, who was focused on his toy. I was able to stifle my own expectation of his basket opening experience and enjoy him finding things on his own timeline.
It wasn't long before his little feet walked angrily to the garbage can and he threw away one of the toys from his Easter basket. "Her leg broke." Now, I just bought this yesterday. I could return it. But he's now thrown it into the garbage can where there is discarded food scrapings from ladt night's dinner, dirty diapers, and other yucky garbage. I'm not digging it out. So, I reacted without thinking. I yelled. I told him he's not allowed to throw his toys away; if they are broken he needs to let mommy and daddy know. I am angry at myself for yelling. I go into my room and cry.
My child has had two meltdowns on, what should be, a fun morning. I know I reacted because I didn't sleep well. The baby has been up every night for the past 2 weeks. I'm anxious about spending the holiday at my parents' house. I know I have an explosive child. I know I have a step father who 100% doesn't understand, and lives by the belief that children need to always do as they're told (and do so quietly!), black and white, no grey area. I know I have nieces that be there, that my son just adores, and that will increasingly add to his anxiety and shame, should he become upset. I know we will be around family who may not agree with how I handle what they see as bratty tantrums. I know no one else knows what we go through as I don't talk about it. I know I will suffer silently and my son, as empathic as I, will pick up on it. We will unfortunately feed off of each other. But as much as I will try to quell my feelings they sometimes bubble over into these short-tempered, quick to react moments, instead of allowing me to stop and just focus on what my 4yo is feeling and what he needs.
I've written this post in spurts - over 2 hours have passed since I started writing - as, moming just doesn't stop. I cried for four minutes. My 4yo came in with a singing Easter bunny and danced at the foot of my bed. I invited him to climb up, where he snuggled up close and said "Mommy don't be sad". We hugged and I told him I just want him to be happy. We went off to have breakfast where 2 more meltdowns ensued. 1. He didn't want French toast and 2. He didn't want to take a nap today. He's now happily exploring "the forest", which is the far side of our pond/property with his daddy. I will be calling him in soon for a little nap/rest before we get ready to leave. I pray for a good day. I pray that my anxiety and my hang ups let me enjoy my son and our family. I pray that my father doesn't interject or say anything that will just compound what happens to be an already volatile situation. I pray my son is able to enjoy himself and his cousins. I pray for his heart to be light. I pop an Ativan and I pray....
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