It's okay to feel the feels

My life has been uprooted, flipped head over heels, and kicked around more times than I can count over the past couple of years. So many big changes, big decisions, and big moves. With my world still spinning out of control, sometimes I find it hard to stand strong. And you know what? That's ok. I'm *finally* allowing myself to feel all the feels. I've always just toughed it out alone, keeping my struggles and my pain to myself. I've always told myself I'm strong, I've struggled, and I can get through anything... but I don't have to be. It's okay to let myself experience the pain I'm going through. It's okay to cry and break down and feel my moment of despair. 

Isak Dinesen said "The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea." And I have found that sweating out my troubles, allowing myself to cry, or escaping quickly to the beach, does bring me peace. I am not a quitter and have always given my all until every last avenue has been exhausted. As I sit here tonight, I can say nothing has changed, no doubt about it. I will wake up tomorrow, and continue to push forward, no matter the struggle. 

Never be afraid to cry. Never be afraid to let yourself feel whatever it is you're going through. Let those emotions get ugly. Allow yourself to get as low as you need to. Then, give yourself grace and reach out to someone you love. Because as embarrassing as it may be to feel "weak", you *are* supported. 

In the light of the full moon

 I sit in the stillness, listening to the hum of an air conditioning unit, as sprinklers cry over the lawn. My own sprinklers have activated and the water rolls down my cheeks, glistening in the light of the full moon. I breathe a shaky breath as the adrenaline that has been pumping through my body all day begins to dissipate. The breeze is gentle on my face, cooling the warm tears that continue to spill over my lashes. I know it won't ever get easier, but I send up a prayer as I sit on the ground under the light of the full moon. 

The pressures of the day weigh heavily on my chest. One, two, three...I count, trying to quiet my mind, as my thoughts are battling with each other. The symphony of crickets is deafening, no longer a welcoming to the late hours of the night, but more of a piercing intrusion into those thoughts. As the light of the full moon shines brightly through a passing cloud, I question when, if ever, I'll move past survival mode. I'm weary. I'm spent. Each day I try again, fighting silent battles many are not aware of. 

Nothing feels right anymore. My successes are shadowed by my fears. The stresses of my everyday are like weights that I must pull along with me. My children's mental health and wellbeing are my top priority, but how can I feel secure in leaving them to go to work when I know their battles are misunderstood and met with suppression? As the full moon wanes through its phases, I remind myself that we all have cycles. I breathe into that knowledge, trying to find acceptance in the difficulties that come. 

The hum of the air conditioner quiets. The sprinklers have completed their task. The gentle breeze has stilled. And as I sit under the bright light of this full moon, the echoing of crickets remind me that when everything else stops, I, like them, will continue. 

Fuck anxiety

It's ambushes you when you least expect it... making even the most mundane of tasks seem treacherous. The paralyzing hold on your chest and throat mimics drowning. Gasping for air, you swallow a pill. Grounding techniques are for the amateur, because you know that no matter what you try, this is going to swallow you up. 

Close your eyes, take a deep breath...nope, your chest is too constricted. The air won't enter. The warm sting of tears teeter on the brim of your lashes... willing them away only causes the crash to rush over you. Your mind races. Your thoughts scatter like shards of broken glass across the cold, tile floor. You're in it. It's too late. That beautiful, peaceful day has quickly and abruptly been replaced with the raging swirl of a tornado, churning up old memories and feelings....out of nowhere. It hits quickly and swiftly. Suddenly, every success, every obstacle you've traversed, every triumph, seems miniscule and insignificant. You're lost in the tumultuous sea of your mind. You remind yourself that this has happened many times over, and that you *do* have the power to escape... but by now, you're weak and weary. 

You muddle through whatever tasks you have at hand, on autopilot, waiting until you can hide from the world. Once you're tucked away, you allow the pain to envelop you. The tightness in your chest become rattles of sobs, shaking you to your core. Your swirling thoughts turn into just one: "I am weak". This feeling eventually passes. You slowly open your eyes, and feeling defeated, take a shaky, exhausted breath. In this moment, you whisper, "fuck anxiety", and your world keeps turning.

Empty words

See the bigger picture. 

Everything will start to look up soon.

When one door closes, another opens.

This is just an end to a chapter, not the ending of your story.

Something worth having is worth fighting for. 

What's meant to be, will be.

Stay positive. 

Good things happen to good people. 

What goes around comes around. 

There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Nothing good comes easy.

It will all work out in the end.

Empty words come in a variety of ways. They don't lessen the blow we feel. They don't ease the torture in our hearts. We can piece together our own versions of "it's all going to be okay", but in reality, we walk these shadows alone. Our friends, our family, our loved ones, our partners, they just fill space... they don't ease pain. They don't shine a light into the darkness. For a brief moment in time, we may feel comfort, but that's fleeting. The real work is within. Solace is only found within ourselves. What it all boils down to is self. 

Words are empty; meaningless. In a swift wind, they are blown away.  We can pretend that people have our backs and that we have a strong support system, but invisible to the naked eye are the strings attached. When our burdens get too heavy, those fragile strings break and we are quickly, and often quietly, left alone.

Find peace in yourself. Be your own light through the shadows. Because in all reality, *we* are all we can depend on.

When the lesson stings

Walking a path of growth is not always going to be a beam of warm, safe light. It won't always leave you feeling accomplished. Personal growth can certainly feel like you stepped into a ring with Mike Tyson and you're so beat up that you're blinded. Sometimes our lesson stings. Our best intentions may be met with a hard stop. That doesn't mean the journey stops. It's only a pause to reflect on the process. 

Our paths are winding roads, covered in debris that we must traverse. There's no map or guide that can prepare us for all that we will encounter. Having faith in oneself and shedding our protective layers is part of the process. We cannot allow ourselves to depend on anyone else, because when it comes right down to it, we walk amongst these shadows alone.