Behind the curtain

We oftentimes hide our battles and/or scars because we associate them with shame. We somehow drifted away from the "tribe and village" mentality of needing and depending on others, and secluded ourselves onto a lonely island of falsehoods. We frequently see excessively overjoyed, and sometimes, boastful, depictions posted all over social media. It's rare to witness a raw, emotional, post or photo. I get it. It's scary to put all of yourself out there, all over the internet. These social media "stars" are popping up celebrating their true/authentic selves. Sharing their body positivity photos, be them over or under weight, embracing their identities, celebrating their sexuality, showing their physical scars, opening up about the skeletons and wickedness they've endured; but are they really affirmed and welcomed, or are we just blindly and emptily empowering these individuals because that's the "right thing to do"? Is the acceptance real? 

Maybe I'm just jaded. Maybe I've been beaten down one too many times to believe that sharing my own authentic self would be openly accepted, without judgements  without gossip, without side eye. Maybe I'm just scared to take that leap into true autonomous transparency. 

Either way, in the quiet nights I seldom get without my babies, those nights I sometimes yearn for, I feel empty. Being without my children is like being without my heart. In the chaotic moments of the days and nights when one proverbial shoe tends to drop after the other, when one child's request is met with the bellowing of the other and the arguments for my time and attention ensue, I want a moment of peace and quiet. Then I get it and I feel lost. Even when they're asleep, at least knowing they're in the bed in the other room, I'm at ease. But, without them under my roof, I aimlessly stalk the floors of this empty apartment. Cleaning is empty. Television is empty. A nice shower and a book are empty. All I'm left with are my thoughts... and those swirl around faster and more fierce than any tornado. 

Am I doing enough? Am I working too much? Are my screw ups too big? Is the damage I've done permanent? Will I ever find MY voice? Will I ever not give a flying fuck about what others perceive me to be? Will I always second guess myself? Will I ever shed this chameleon skin and stop trying to please those around me and just focus on myself? Will I, Can I, Am I? Could-a, should-a, would-a... 

Not tonight, I won't. But I am. Slowly but surely. Little by little. I'm peeking out from behind that heavy, dark curtain I've been hiding under for almost 40 years. I'm finding my way... I've been blazing my own path for a long time, and I'm almost ready to fully ride those flames. 

It's okay to feel the feels

My life has been uprooted, flipped head over heels, and kicked around more times than I can count over the past couple of years. So many big changes, big decisions, and big moves. With my world still spinning out of control, sometimes I find it hard to stand strong. And you know what? That's ok. I'm *finally* allowing myself to feel all the feels. I've always just toughed it out alone, keeping my struggles and my pain to myself. I've always told myself I'm strong, I've struggled, and I can get through anything... but I don't have to be. It's okay to let myself experience the pain I'm going through. It's okay to cry and break down and feel my moment of despair. 

Isak Dinesen said "The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea." And I have found that sweating out my troubles, allowing myself to cry, or escaping quickly to the beach, does bring me peace. I am not a quitter and have always given my all until every last avenue has been exhausted. As I sit here tonight, I can say nothing has changed, no doubt about it. I will wake up tomorrow, and continue to push forward, no matter the struggle. 

Never be afraid to cry. Never be afraid to let yourself feel whatever it is you're going through. Let those emotions get ugly. Allow yourself to get as low as you need to. Then, give yourself grace and reach out to someone you love. Because as embarrassing as it may be to feel "weak", you *are* supported. 

In the light of the full moon

 I sit in the stillness, listening to the hum of an air conditioning unit, as sprinklers cry over the lawn. My own sprinklers have activated and the water rolls down my cheeks, glistening in the light of the full moon. I breathe a shaky breath as the adrenaline that has been pumping through my body all day begins to dissipate. The breeze is gentle on my face, cooling the warm tears that continue to spill over my lashes. I know it won't ever get easier, but I send up a prayer as I sit on the ground under the light of the full moon. 

The pressures of the day weigh heavily on my chest. One, two, three...I count, trying to quiet my mind, as my thoughts are battling with each other. The symphony of crickets is deafening, no longer a welcoming to the late hours of the night, but more of a piercing intrusion into those thoughts. As the light of the full moon shines brightly through a passing cloud, I question when, if ever, I'll move past survival mode. I'm weary. I'm spent. Each day I try again, fighting silent battles many are not aware of. 

Nothing feels right anymore. My successes are shadowed by my fears. The stresses of my everyday are like weights that I must pull along with me. My children's mental health and wellbeing are my top priority, but how can I feel secure in leaving them to go to work when I know their battles are misunderstood and met with suppression? As the full moon wanes through its phases, I remind myself that we all have cycles. I breathe into that knowledge, trying to find acceptance in the difficulties that come. 

The hum of the air conditioner quiets. The sprinklers have completed their task. The gentle breeze has stilled. And as I sit under the bright light of this full moon, the echoing of crickets remind me that when everything else stops, I, like them, will continue. 

Fuck anxiety

It's ambushes you when you least expect it... making even the most mundane of tasks seem treacherous. The paralyzing hold on your chest and throat mimics drowning. Gasping for air, you swallow a pill. Grounding techniques are for the amateur, because you know that no matter what you try, this is going to swallow you up. 

Close your eyes, take a deep breath...nope, your chest is too constricted. The air won't enter. The warm sting of tears teeter on the brim of your lashes... willing them away only causes the crash to rush over you. Your mind races. Your thoughts scatter like shards of broken glass across the cold, tile floor. You're in it. It's too late. That beautiful, peaceful day has quickly and abruptly been replaced with the raging swirl of a tornado, churning up old memories and feelings....out of nowhere. It hits quickly and swiftly. Suddenly, every success, every obstacle you've traversed, every triumph, seems miniscule and insignificant. You're lost in the tumultuous sea of your mind. You remind yourself that this has happened many times over, and that you *do* have the power to escape... but by now, you're weak and weary. 

You muddle through whatever tasks you have at hand, on autopilot, waiting until you can hide from the world. Once you're tucked away, you allow the pain to envelop you. The tightness in your chest become rattles of sobs, shaking you to your core. Your swirling thoughts turn into just one: "I am weak". This feeling eventually passes. You slowly open your eyes, and feeling defeated, take a shaky, exhausted breath. In this moment, you whisper, "fuck anxiety", and your world keeps turning.

Empty words

See the bigger picture. 

Everything will start to look up soon.

When one door closes, another opens.

This is just an end to a chapter, not the ending of your story.

Something worth having is worth fighting for. 

What's meant to be, will be.

Stay positive. 

Good things happen to good people. 

What goes around comes around. 

There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Nothing good comes easy.

It will all work out in the end.

Empty words come in a variety of ways. They don't lessen the blow we feel. They don't ease the torture in our hearts. We can piece together our own versions of "it's all going to be okay", but in reality, we walk these shadows alone. Our friends, our family, our loved ones, our partners, they just fill space... they don't ease pain. They don't shine a light into the darkness. For a brief moment in time, we may feel comfort, but that's fleeting. The real work is within. Solace is only found within ourselves. What it all boils down to is self. 

Words are empty; meaningless. In a swift wind, they are blown away.  We can pretend that people have our backs and that we have a strong support system, but invisible to the naked eye are the strings attached. When our burdens get too heavy, those fragile strings break and we are quickly, and often quietly, left alone.

Find peace in yourself. Be your own light through the shadows. Because in all reality, *we* are all we can depend on.

When the lesson stings

Walking a path of growth is not always going to be a beam of warm, safe light. It won't always leave you feeling accomplished. Personal growth can certainly feel like you stepped into a ring with Mike Tyson and you're so beat up that you're blinded. Sometimes our lesson stings. Our best intentions may be met with a hard stop. That doesn't mean the journey stops. It's only a pause to reflect on the process. 

Our paths are winding roads, covered in debris that we must traverse. There's no map or guide that can prepare us for all that we will encounter. Having faith in oneself and shedding our protective layers is part of the process. We cannot allow ourselves to depend on anyone else, because when it comes right down to it, we walk amongst these shadows alone. 

Authenticity

Authenticity is fucking scary. You have to face yourself, your truth, your wants, your fears, your flaws, your desires.... you have to be fucking real.... and most often that's terrifying. 

I have been searching for the strength to be my authentic self for pretty much my whole life. I don't know why it came so naturally to me to be a chameleon and to just blend in and fade into the background. Others in my family are so outgoing and epitomize the word "extrovert", where I could literally die inside just thinking about being the center of attention. 

I have always been agreeable, neutral, non-confrontational, fluid, impartial... I fit in with every group I ever encountered. I was never fake, I just coalesced and blended into the background. People always liked me, trusted me, confided in me, but I never felt like I truly fit in. I never felt like myself. Hell, to this day, if you ask me my favorite color, I can't answer. My favorite food, movie, flower..... I don't know. I've never had a passion for a career as a child - I still don't. 

I've had big feelings and have never had the courage to step into my truth and share them...ever. It's terrifying to be completely vulnerable. Opening up and putting your emotional fragility on display takes more than courage than most realize.

Karmic Growth

It is my belief that everything happens for a reason. I believe the universe has our backs no matter which route we choose, as our paths are already pre-designed. 

We decide how we are going to respond to karmic relationships. No one enters our orbit by chance. There is a lesson to be learned from each encounter. The lesson may not always be for you, so don't expect to find answers for every person's path you cross. What we get to decide is, are we going to learn and grow from these experiences, or are we going to fall into the same, comfortable patterns, being forced to repeat the cycle, lifetime after lifetime.

For most of my adult life, I have been on a journey of self-awakening. When someone's lived a life with so many challenges and so much pain, we can either dig deep into the patterns and lessons to be learned, or we can hide from them and continue along the same route. I have done a lot of hard work opening up old wounds, facing truths and demons, and bringing awareness to my patterns, choices, and experiences. 

We are so much more than our own, unique individuals. We are our parents and our siblings, as they shape so much of how we perceive reality, relationships, emotions and responses. We are our friends and our communities. We are affected by what we watch, read, and encounter in the world we walk through; everything has a trickle-down effect. Our karmic wounds are carried out in our lives over and over and are attached to those in our circles. We are wrapped up in an infinite amount of emotions and experiences, but it's up to us to find our lesson, find our voice, and step into our power. 

We're all equipped with a moral compass of what is right and what is just for the good of humanity and the world around us. It can be hard to break patterns of things that no longer serve our best and highest selves. Being able to separate ourselves from negative energy and toxic traits, no matter how painful or where it's coming from, takes an enormous amount of strength. We owe it to ourselves, our children, and the future, to honor, respect, and love ourselves by becoming less reactive and more flexible in our emotional responses. 

Self-discovery is not an easy road. Loving oneself is a path often started in pain as we are forced to recognize and make peace with unresolved, and often unacknowledged feelings. It is a path that requires one walk with dedication, courage, and faith. But when that path is being walked, and that work is getting done, it's a feeling of becoming whole. Several times along that path, it's easy to feel like we're drowning, or certainly like we're failing, but if we just keep pushing, the light gets brighter; the heaviness starts to lift. Once that journey of self-love is underway, it gets a little bit easier to reject things that do not honor your full value. 

This life is an incredible journey where every day brings lessons. We get to choose to learn and discover hidden paths and experiences, or stay closed off to growth and repeat the process over and over. If we break down our barriers and allow ourselves to be completely vulnerable, the journey of softening into our wounds can be a transformative experience.