It's 2020 and we're in the middle of a fucking pandemic. Seriously? Forget about the politics of it all. Forget about not being able to go out, eat out, having to homeschool or just being with your kids, spouse, whomever for an unending amount of time. Forget about the horror that ensues during a time like this when people are dying and medical supplies are drying up and there's still a shit-ton of people who think this is just a big joke... My post is not about any of that. This is about being stuck with ourselves. How many of us have been going through a rough patch, or classify your entire life as a rough patch, and now have nowhere to hide? How many people are going to be battling their own demons while they're stuck at home, either binge-watching television, or staying glued to video games or stuffing your face with all of your emergency snacks or getting ripped on your alcohol stash? We may have food and Netflix and alcohol and books and videogames to take up time, but I'm willing to bet this is going to be a huge turning point for some people. As our "escapes" are slowly stripped away, we're going to have to face ourselves and what we run from every time we overbook our time, overeat, overdrink, etc.
I've been battling myself all alone for a long time now. I have self-isolated my feelings. I've recently taken steps to be true to myself and to make some big changes, yet I've been dragging my feet a bit and BAM! the universe says "sis, you're falling stagnant. You're making too many excuses to not do what needs to be done. You're hiding from yourself again." And you know what? The universe is right. I have fallen short on tasks that have needed to be completed, I am hiding from unpleasant feelings and fear and the unknown. So, now here I am, not only self-quarantining because it's safe for all, including my immunocompromised son, but I've been LEGITIMATELY placed on lockdown until I get my own coronavirus results back. I can't even go to the grocery store right now. And during this time, when my littles are napping, or when I can't sleep at night, I'm faced with those fears and doubts and worries that I've been hiding from. I don't have two jobs to focus on. I don't have school and drop-off and playdates to focus on. I don't have trips to the park and the store and doctors' offices to focus on. I have my own reality that I can no longer hide from.
Yesterday, I found myself having a mini breakdown. All of a sudden, out of the blue, I was angry. Just plain aggravated and short-tempered and pissed off at every miniscule thing. I was snapping at my kids, I didn't want to play, I didn't want to hear them play, I didn't want to work out, I didn't want to cook, I didn't want to do anything - things that I've always done, things that have become our new norm in this madness, things that I was previously finding joy and relief in, were pissing me the fuck off. I reached out to my girlfriend because I felt like I was going crazy. What was wrong with me? Why, all of a sudden, am I so angry?!? She gave me some great feedback: maybe I was dehydrated, I've been battling a pretty significant and relentless respiratory illness for the past 5 months and my body fighting for oxygen could be part of it, I'm overtired, I don't get any alone time, have I increased my steroid inhaler, worry about my kids' health during this global pandemic, money worries since I've been out of work, the emotional overload of waiting for my virus results..... I'm sure all of those things have a small part in my frustration - but I think my brain just said "Look lady, you have a LOT of shit playing around up here and we're out of options for places to hide". So, I reached out to another girlfriend for a distance reiki session and I sat outside while my kids were napping and had a 20 minute meditation session. Sitting on the ground, in the sunshine with the wind spiraling around me, as I tuned into my breath and let the rest of the world and my worries slip away was invigorating. It was there, in that moment, where I realized, "I've got this. This is going to be hard and it's not going to get easier for a while, but I fucking got this."
And I do have control of this. I don't have to hide from myself or my fears or my thoughts. I may not be 100% open with my family and friends during my difficulties, but we all tackle things differently. Yes, it's nice to have the support and to have people check in and send love and whatnot. It's nice to not feel alone when you're going through shit, but sometimes, those same supportive people who are in your corner can make things more hairy, especially for someone like me. No matter how many times I've heard "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter what people say." to me, it matters. I worry about disappointing the people in my life. I worry about people's thoughts and impressions of me. I worry about not living up to people's expectations. I've placed so much worth in the opinions of others for my entire life - at this point, where I'm figuring out how to ACTUALLY listen to myself and my wants and my needs instead of focusing on what's in the best interest of everyone else, I self-isolate. People have a tendency to inadvertently drop advice or their 2 cents when they check in.... when that happens to me, I shut down. You know those little roly-poly bugs, they curl up into tight, little balls when disturbed? Yeah, that's me. When someone gives me unsolicited advice, or even words of encouragement that may be slightly tinged with well-meaning tidbits or recommendations, I curl up into my own little ball. I immediately feel uneasy, anxious, annoyed, and want to shut off from the world. I don't want to hear it - even if it's good natured and well meaning. My brain is CONSTANTLY running through my scenarios, my to-do lists, my concerns, the what-ifs, etc.... outside input on any of those doesn't offer me a relief, my own craziness just levels up. It was during my meditation yesterday that I was able to let go and give in a little. It was in those short yet powerful 20 minutes where my mind said "you can't hide from yourself so go take on these challenges and don't forget to breathe".
