Mannnnn why am I writing after 10pm?? I do all my shit “right”: take my meds that help me sleep, take my meds that help my pain, take my meds that help the nerve issues… I should be chilling on a cloud counting sheep as they jump over fences or something…wondering about twinkling little stars, cows jumping over the moon - but my dishes and spoons are in the dishwasher, y’all. 🤷🏻♀️
Sometimes I just can’t shut it down. I want to… I know I need to, but the thoughts just swirl around up there. Life in general is hard. Whether we want to believe it, or throw a filter on it, doesn’t change that fact. Married, single, parent, fur parent, whatever… we all have struggles. Commutes, work stress, bills, our own expectations and goals we’re setting and trying to achieve. All of that causes stress. If there’s anything I can get 1st prize for is knowing all about stress. Jilda Stress Cunningham at your service. 🫡 And I’m okay with it - now. I’ve put in the work in therapy over the years. I know how to look inside and see what’s up; get to the root. I welcome all of the shit because it’s an opportunity for me to shine - step the fuck up and handle business. Don’t get swallowed up by it. Why are my kids positive and compassionate, empathetic and supportive, helpful and polite? Because from as early on as I could, I’ve never kept feelings hidden. We own that shit. We talk. WE TALK. My kids know to tell me when they need to go take a minute if shit’s starting to get heavy… if Anthony’s having difficulty at bedtime, he’ll say “mama can I go sit on the couch, alone, for a minute to breathe?” Damn straight, kid. Take that time to gather yourself, think, decompress, and come back to me. I love that about us. I don’t tell them to hide their emotions. We recognize them, talk about them and then let them do their thing.
By letting life flow and not grasping at control, I’ve been able to get into what I want, and boyyyy when I tell you, trying to find a partner in your 40s is bananas. I don’t know if it’s because I still feel like I’m in my 20s, or if it’s because I have grown so damn much and know exactly what I want and don’t want; I know my worth so I won’t settle. The dudes who want a side piece, the ones who think they’re entitled to me because they’re lacking it in their own and they only want me, the men who take me out but have nothing to offer, mentally. I need to laugh, y’all. If you can’t make me laugh, there’s no chance. I’m tired of faking those laughs so I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m tired of this Groundhog Day nonsense I’ve experienced. My mom gets so annoyed with me sometimes because I don’t do small talk. I don’t like it… tell me a story, bet, I’m down. I’ll listen intently. But I can’t speak on nonsense- I like the real in conversations.
In the melting pot that is dating in your 40s, I prefer to jump right in, to start with the non-traditional questions and conversations early on. It allows us both to lean into the uncomfortable, and that’s when you really learn about someone. Are they able to lean in to that discomfort, that deep convo I’m looking for to see if they know who they are and what they want? Because no matter how much I LOVE love, no matter how much I enjoy giving my energy to people, I’ve realized I’m missing that reciprocal. I’m missing my person, my ME that I want to find. So rather than start with the superficial and cutesy things, let me see your dirty, your dark, your open, your truth. Because THAT will tell me where this can, and will, go. I don’t understand when people date for months or years and haven’t had difficult conversations - kids, goals, future plans, money, hard no’s, secrets…. Pull back that curtain. Dig deep. Otherwise, you’ll just get hurt at some point… when you’ve fallen for that person and THEN those conversations arise. A hard no is a hard no… How is that going to feel a year in, when you’ve become accustomed to each other’s families, are living together, have traveled, adopted a pet together, had a kid!!! Dude, that’s the #1 WORST REASON to stay together; for the kids. Kids deserve to see LOVE. If you’re in a marriage or relationship where there’s no true love shining through, if those feelings changed, or you got married because of pregnancy, or you got together young as fuck and you’ve both just grown - no one did anything wrong, but you’re both older and not the same people… it’s okay to discuss leaving. Be happy. Be in love. We only get this one life. That’s it. There’s no fucking do-over. You can’t hide and then years later the real you pops out looking for a reset button. Shit, there’s not one person on this earth who knows how long any of us have. Love hard. Live hard. Be honest. Demand honesty. Let your littles see how to love a partner, take care of a partner, lift a partner up and support them. Let your littles see you choose you! Teach them about self-respect and self-love by your example, not when they’re older and having relationships problems and you want to give them that advice. Let them grow up thinking “I want a partner to treat me like that. I want to be able to make my partner feel loved like that.”
Fuck me. This soap box has been one hell of a ride tonight. Welcome to my brain… rabbit hole after rabbit hole… guess I’m failing at my doctor’s order to “improve my sleep hygiene”.
Thanks for taking this trip and reading my nonsense. Be real. ✌️
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