A new chapter

I have never been comfortable with all eyes on me. That is a fact that many disbelieve. I'm often told I am charismatic, kind, charming, infectious; a friend to all. That may be, but I am actually terrified of attention and have always sought to make myself small in school, at work, around crowds... I have very big opinions and ideas, but only feel comfortable being agreeable and quiet when in public or with groups. I worry constantly about saying or doing the "wrong" thing. I have often battled with why I do not believe myself to possess this "magnetic personality" I'm told I have, and often feel like a fraud in my own skin. 

In three short months, I'll be hitting a new decade - 40. I'm not afraid of aging, I don't even "feel" 40. What does age even feel like?? What a stupid notion, to "feel" an age. What I do feel, however, is that I need to embrace myself. I need to remove myself from last place and finally shower myself with true self love. I need to take time for me, to satisfy me, calm me, ensure my own happiness is intact. In order to continue filling the cups of all of those around me, I need to realize that task may be better done if I finally fill my own cup, first. 

Society has given us all such a fucked sense of what is "worthy". How men and women should look, in order to be found appealing. How to defy age or slow the affects of aging. I've always been lucky that, even when not feeling it's true, I'm able to shine like a fucking diamond. I'm human - I scrutinize my (many) imperfections. I see darker circles, more hollowed eyes, where I used to have a more youthful sparkling gaze. My cheek bones aren't as lifted. I dye my graying hairs. I worry about facial hair, wrinkles, lack of elasticity around my eyes. My physical "snap back" isn't as quick,  or as easy, as when I was 20 years younger. 

Most of all, I worry about not finally shedding this heavy suit of armor I've carried for almost four decades. Holy shit - four decades sounds a ton of a lot older than "40" 🤣🤣. I do not want to remain guarded all the time. I do not want to feel ill at ease when having to attend a party, a gathering, or an event. I do not want to feel too drained to do something for myself. I want to be able to embrace my full worth - honor my full worth. Whole-heartedly enjoy what is left of this time we get on Earth - because it is far too fleeting. 

40 isn't here yet.... but I'm getting ready for when it is...